Sunday, 25 September 2011 04:16

Journal Entry:  Sunday October 25^th 1987

Journal -

My weekend was mixed. Friday night I went out with Tanya and I went out with Wayne and Paul. We wen to a ‘movie’ and got to the [Homecoming] game late.

That is where I ran into Kyle. This was not good.

After he and somewhat talked I left. He followed us everyplace we went. We (Paul, Wayne and Tanya) tried to talked things out. The evening ended well with hope of tomorrow [the dance].

Saturday night all that day I spend running around doing laundry and homework. It seemed like nothing would get done. My dad and I were at each other throats. Money problems again. They (we) don’t have enough money to make the house payment.

Anyway I didn’t have much time to get ready. I was on the phone with Janis. She wants me to live with her after May. I would love that. I miss her. I think we could live together. I know we could try.

Anyway. Paul and Mark A. picked me up. I didn’t feel like I looked good. I felt like shit. The boys looked so totally cute!

My mother took pictures how stupid!

Then off to Michelle’s. Her house was beautiful! I was flabbergasted at the view! She seemed on edge. She wouldn’t let me in. She wouldn’t let me befriend her. She was closed off.

We got to the restaurant – Hulahan’s. Fun place! Michelle was obnoxious! She was loud and rude! Not at all what I thought she used to be like.

After we were done eating she and I went to the restroom. She seemed a little more at ease, but still on edge. She made comments like, “You’re so tall.” “You’re so thin.” Maybe I intimidate her?

Then we went to the dance.

We stood in line for pictures. I don’t think they will turn out. The photo guy was a jerk!

We socialized then we went to dance. Paul is so cute! He dances all hips!

We, Mark and Michelle, Paul and I, met up with Wayne and Shelly etc. We went back to Paul’s house for dinks.

The conversation dropped. Wayne stated making faces at me. I started laughing. Shelly was starting to giggle just because I was laughing. Mark said, “Doesn’t she ever stop?” He was being kind.

That is when Michelle said, “It’s getting annoying!”

Boy was I pissed! I leaned forward towards her and said, “I beg your pardon?” She then realized that everyone was staring at her with glaring eyes. She sat back in her chair and said, “It’s just, how can you always be so happy? Nobody is that happy?”

After that Wayne, Shelly, Paul and Mark all stuck up for me.

All in all the night was good.

Words from Adult Me:

Ah homecoming!

Mine was a hot mess of bad behavior and run ins with ex-boyfriends and ill mannered old friends! There was some good, but the bad seemed to out weigh the good.

What a mess! 

Read more...

Friday, 09 September 2011 06:42

Journal Entry: Sunday September 20, 1987

Journal (pink book)

Today was work as usual I was by myself! Today Marry came over and we went horseback riding then went to Chinese food. Yummy! This Friday we are going to go out and have a narly time!

Kyle and I are getting better. We made it through another tough time. He loves me so much. He is so much to me. Sometimes I feel like I want to be free – and then I see him and he looks into my eyes and I can’t help but love him.

I want to be his wife, but he has to grow up some. He already has. He and Tanya went out with Robert yesterday. They got together again. I hope he is not using her!  Ted and I talked. I asked him if Robert liked Tanya. He didn’t answer me. I don’t know.

Yesterday I had an experience with the other side! I told Tanya. She was going to see Robert and I told her what he was going to say and it came true!

Tami

Words From Adult Me:

Oh boy! “I want to be his wife” What the hell is that about? WIFE? I know times were different back then, but times weren’t that long ago. I read that and see just how dependent and small my vision form my own life was as a young woman.

I want to be very clear – I am not saying that there is anything wrong with wishing to be the wife of a person who you love and you are ready to be in a life-committed relationship with. Being a wife is wonderful when the planets align and the time is right.

I am speaking very specifically to my situation and possibly to the situations of teens who aren’t fully loving themselves and who are looking to others to find love and validation.

Just the day before we read in my journal that Kyle and I were fighting. I was done with him. Now – the very next day – I am convincing myself that being his wife would be a good idea.

Anytime you say, “I love him, but…” Chances are you don’t love him. So why do try to force the love when it doesn't fit?

Ya. We know that this thing between Kyle and me isn’t going to end well.

The goodness here is that from a dark place of depression I am reaching out to other friends and finding fun. My friend Marry for example.

Never under estimate the goodness from an afternoon of mindless fun and the infused excitement that comes from future plans. Keep that planner full with light and easy gatherings and see your mood lift!

Our journal post will slow down – we have a big surprise for you soon!!

Until next time, much love and respect!

Tamra

xoxox

Photograph by Tamra Wade

Monday, 04 July 2011 08:22

Journal Entry: September 15^th 1987

Journal

Today my car finally died! Last night when I got home I got out of my car – took the key out – it still was running. Needless to say in the morning my car did not start. The best part about it is my parents got mad at me.

I just don’t understand. I told them my car was going to die and that I wanted to get a loan. All I want them to do is co-sign they won’t.

I hurt I cry.

Journal Entry: September 16, 1987

Journal

What a sound. The words of the president echo through my ears. I wonder why he rattles on as he does. We waste class time just to say the pledge when the president is late so we get to wait. Fun stuff.

Journal Entry: September 17, 1987

Journal (pink book)

Today I sold my car for $350 to Helmet Zeller [of 98 KUPD morning show].

I got my senior pictures back! Yeah!

I lost the presidency to Marry Insign. Great stuff. I work for three years on dance club and she only one year and she gets it??

Journal (secret book)

Today I feel cheated! I have worked for three years on improving dance club. My goal was to become club president. Today we had elections. To my disappointment, Marry won. It was a great let down. I know she will do a good job, but all my work lost to someone who only has been on club for one year? Some how I fight with this.

I quit my job – one of them anyway – to commit myself to dance. I sold my car. UUGG!

Now when we sell our house my father said we’d move to Cave Creek. He also said that he would loan me $1,500 for a car. So, until then, I have to save every penny.

Babeeskia [Kyle] still won’t see (understand) what is going on with me and my problems. We only fight. We are both at fault. He doesn’t understand. He has money. I don’t. He has had everything handed to him. I haven’t. I fight for my voice to be heard. He only gets angry. I do love him, but I feel I am loosing the closeness we used to share. I don’t want to tell him when I get upset. Only to save him from freak’n out. Which he does quite often?

I am still fighting with my feeling of loneliness. School is so depressing to me. My teachers and my studies are the only thing that keeps me going.

Tami

Words From Adult Me:

There is so much in these few journal entries. I am sorry to be so long winded about my attending to them.

The four things I see over all is my dis on the President and the Pledge of Allegiance, my desire to take out a loan to buy a car with my parents to co-sign, the anger over not getting elected dance club president, and the distance between me and my boyfriend.

Ya. This is really what goes on every single day in your teen’s life. Rejection. Confusion. Loneliness. Depression.

There are happy days too – but largely it’s a mess being a teen.

That speech I spoke of was from President Ronald Reagan - Reagan speaks on the steps of the Capitol at “A Celebration of Citizenship,” as school children across the country celebrate the bicentennial of the Constitution – in case you are curious. On September 16^th 1987 we watched he deliver the speech in class at school.

It’s very sad that at that age I really didn’t have a love for my country and our history. At age 17, I was even put out that I had to say the Pledge of Allegiance!

My kids don’t have a full understanding of what it means to be an American either. They take their freedom for granted. I am sad about it and at times that they don't they don’t understand. I suppose that in time they will fully understand.

The fighting between me and my boyfriend – this is the beginning of the end. I tell you this not to spoil the story, but so we can all pay very close attention to how the story goes. It’s not going to be pretty. And if you have a teen girl I am sure that you already know this how this one goes!!

I see that the bigger problem for little me was – loneliness and depression. Compounded with losing the dance club presidency and selling my car I was in a large amount of pain and really didn’t have anywhere to turn.

 Moms – do you recognize depression in your teen? It can look different in teens than it does in adults.

 The following symptoms of depression are more common in teenagers than in their adult counterparts (from helpguide.org):

• Irritable or angry mood – irritability, rather than sadness, is often the predominant mood in depressed teens. A depressed teenager may be grumpy, hostile, easily frustrated, or prone to angry outbursts.
• Unexplained aches and pains – Depressed teens frequently complain about physical ailments such as headaches or stomachaches. If a thorough physical exam does not reveal a medical cause, these aches and pains may indicate depression.
• Extreme sensitivity to criticism – Depressed teens are plagued by feelings of worthlessness, making them extremely vulnerable to criticism, rejection, and failure. This is a particular problem for “over-achievers.”
• Withdrawing from some, but not all people – While adults tend to isolate themselves when depressed, teenagers usually keep up at least some friendships. However, teens with depression may socialize less than before, pull away from their parents, or start hanging out with a different crowd.

I wanted to start talking about the differences in depression between teens and adults. Teens sometimes endure depression never knowing they have it because it presents differently in teens than in adults.

I have suffered with depression with my first onset diagnosed at 18. I could be a poster child for teen depression and now for adult depression. I am under the care of a medical doctor and a therapist. My depression is very much under control, but I work at it everyday. Some days are harder than others to be sure - it is worth the work!

We will talk more about what to do if you see these signs in your teen.  In the mean time here is a web resource with more information on teen depression:

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_teen.htm

If you are in the mists of living with teen depression, there are a lot of helpful suggestions on the above mentioned sight for you and your teen.

Until next time – never surrender your hope! Much love and respect!

Tamra

xoxoxox

Photograph by Tamra Wade

Friday, 10 June 2011 08:20

Journal Entry: September 13^th 1987 11:15 pm

Beauty to me wrong to others

The power to over look confused with the flow of being weak

So, who’s to say who who’s the most

Who’s to say I am the least just when I feel on top it bottoms out

Still I hold on

We bicker and fight

Still not knowing who is right

My words vrs his mind

But silence can be too unkind

So we talk on

Our words slice as though they were swords of steel pain with every blow

We don’t mean to inflict such sorrw

But once said will never be unheard

So tred lightly with your words

Or be damned for the thoughtlessness of your hast!

Speak in thoughts of love

Talk of joy and of laughter

Fill me not with stories of pain and sorrow

I wish to walk in the light, love and peace

Don’t fight me – go with me

Journal Entry: September 14th 1987

Journal

Acting is – well – how would you say – slow!

My group is okay only slow. MS C and G are the best! They are almost like my only friends in the school.

Sure I have new ‘friends’ but what a superficial waste most of the time. They don’t care about me and probably wouldn’t care whether I lived or died. This makes me sad. I sometimes miss the superficial relationship. Being alone all the time is not all I thought it would be.

Maybe I’ve learned something. I think I have. I am not the ‘house of steel’ I think I am. I try so hard not to break – to stand tall, but some how this year is different. I feel alone and really don’t have a reason to … Kyle and I seem to fight more than we used to. This bothers me a great deal. Bruce did tell me it would get worse before it would get better. Sometimes I wish I was away. Somewhere when I did and said things only for myself, but with out the feeling I have when I am alone at school. It’s just not the same anymore. I feel as though someone else is in control. I don’t like this feeling. I want to be in control of my life. But you know being 17 still in high school my parents are in control. This I hate!! They don’t see the way I do. They try, but obviously not hard enough.

I hurt. I cry and all the time I wonder why.

Words from Adult Me:

Lets face it. Being 17 might possibly be one of the hardest years of your teen age life. You are not really an adult – yet your are definitely not a child.  Heaped with responsibility in school, work and family – yet you can’t stay out past midnight or drive with more than two friends in the car and keeping a clear thought in your head – forget about it!

So what is a kid to do? What is a parent to do?

I can tell you in our house there is a lot of head pounding right now as Rio reaches to step into her bridge years. As her mom it’s my job to keep her safe. Rio’s job is to grow into a strong, self confident, happy young woman.

So why is this so hard? Teens at this age want freedom. This coupled with their invincibility factor is a nightmare for parents.

I saw it when Rio started driving – the idea that she thought she was ‘ready’ to take on all driving situations was horrifying to me. The idea that she thinks that she is ‘ready’ for nearly any and all things are scary. Mom’s its scary when we see and know that that is not always entirely the case.

But, lets face it; teens need to test the waters. It’s almost like a right of passage - these bridge years. It’s important for them to hang out with their friends and find out who they are – away from their parents. (Trust me – time away is good)

So, When? When do you let go? When do you say that it is okay to test the skills you have invested in them? And how to allow them to test the waters?

Here are a few of the things that we are employing to allow some breathing room – room to grow if you will:

• Set a later but reasonable curfew – Rio will now be allowed home at midnight on week end nights
• Special extended curfew for special events – must be cleared prior to event (for things like cosmic blowing and Jump Street)
• Allow for more ‘hang out time – just let the kids hang in a safe place
  • Mall
  • Movies
  • Shopping center down the street
  • Friend’s house where parents are home
  • Jump Street (a local hang out that has trampolines - very fun) 
  • Bowling
  • Swimming

• Help find activities such as a sport or dance – get friends involved

Teens – be patient with your parents. Although we remember being your age, we can’t really act your age or be your friend being our age. We are still your parents.

The love your parents have for you is something you might not understand until you yourselves have children. It causes us to be nuts about you. Please understand that our strictness isn’t because we think that you are bad kids or that we think that you are going to go get into trouble – we so desperately don’t want trouble to find you. We love you so much we would die for you with out hesitation or question. Its deep. I know. But its true.

So next time you and your mom are duken’ it out – remember – there is love involved. It just might be hard to see it in the power struggle.

Moms - we have to begin the process of letting go. We have to start putting structure in place so that our teens can step onto the bridge and begin their walk into their adult life.

The bridge years are where they really find themselves. Its really when life begins.

Until next week! Thank you for reading! Much love and respect!!

Photograph by Tamra Wade