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Mean Girls

Friday, 20 January 2012 06:44

Slut, Fat, Hoe, Bitch, Whore, Thunder-Thighs, Whale, Ugly, Stupid, Looser, Fake, Tease, Prude, Dike… and these are the things that girls say to each other’s faces, and by their closest friends. What makes this worse is that this name-calling is done at the most inappropriate and vulnerable times and most often is a play for power and control.

So what the hell is gong on?

I set out this week to find out what we could learn from our Paper Hope Street Team of teens and our readers and listeners about mean girls. You would think that after years of dealing with mean girls and mean women in my own life and then watching my own daughters deal with mean girls that I would have a good understanding of this topic.

Nope. I wasn’t ready for what I discovered.

“I never let it show outwardly how deep she'd cut [me] with what she said but I was scarred by how mean people could be, and how someone so close to you could take the personal things they know about you and turn it against you. That was awful. I learned you can't really trust anyone then.”

Our Definition: Mean Girls

First lets delineate the subtle difference between mean girls and bullies. For our discussion, bullying is a behavior that involves a pattern of behavior and is repeated over time. Mean girls are girls who are mean in their behavior and are somewhat predictably mean, but their behavior is largely circumstantial and based on situation. Mean girls are equal opportunity mean.

What Are Ways That Girls Are Mean Towards One Another?

This is somewhat intuitive, but still important to put words to as we learn to mentor and coach our daughters in these situations so that they can start to stop the cycle of this behavior. We found some amazing books on the topic of mean girls, one of them – Girls Against Girls by Bonnie Burton – has helped us put succinct words to the ways that girls are mean – we added a few of our own as well, most of these I am sure you are familiar with in your own life and will not need much definition:

Silent Treatment
Gossiping
Intentional Rumor Spreading
Boyfriend Stealing/Couple Splitting
- This can occur in best friend situation in girls
Verbal Abuse
Cyber Abuse
Friend Dumping
Over Dramatized Friendships with the mean girls
Mob Mentality – the rallying or others to hate or ignore at a fast pase

Why Are Girls So Mean?

“I was hated so much in 7th grade. Girls harassed me everyday. They would call me and make fun of me for my mom being disabled, and one said she was going to kill me. I never knew why they picked me..”

This is the million-dollar question? Why?

Talking with our teens, reading all the stories that were sent in and reading the countless references, some of which we will have as links at the end of this post, we arrived at a few conclusions. They might surprise you as they have surprised me.

A repeated reason we saw why girls are mean to each other is competition. Competition for boys, with friends, who looks the best, who has the best and most stuff, or who is liked most in school or on Facebook. Nearly all the terrible behavior is a symptom of competition.

The other reasons are more intuitive and you may have already thought of these as we started talking about the subject - insecurity and jealousy. Even these however are largely due to the need to be in strong competition for top spots and fear of losing said spot.

Other reasons girls are mean to one another or are perceived as a mean girl because of:

Learned behavior
- Via a family member(s)
Inability to communicate effectively due to:
- Anger
- Frustration
- Confusion
Miss communication
- Language Barriers
- Bad Timing
- Emotions
- Bad Communication Skills

Lets examine this a bit.

Girls are using mean girl tactics to get what they want. We found out that this is not exclusive in the way that bullying is. Within a circle of girls, each girl may take a turn at being the victim of the attacks. In the stories I read I saw the same themes over and over again:

“My best friend is really mean to me for some reason. Saying just the worst things possible to me and I really didn’t understand why, all I could think is why is my best friend saying these thing about me.”

Girls use these mean girl behaviors to put their friends down to feel better about themselves and feel like they have the competitive edge. It’s a strange paradox because girls want their friendships, but they also so desperately want to be perceived as number one or the best looking friend - and some will throw insults and back stab or gossip to insure that she is assured that top spot.

In my reading and discussions, it was important to point out that not all girls act mean on purpose. Some are perceived as mean because of poor communication.

I heard from girls that this happens within their circles of friends and more often than you think. That girls will misunderstand things that girls say due to texting, email even language differences and flat out poor communication due to anger and frustration sometimes brought on by difficult situations and inability to handle the situation well – such as dealing with boys, friends and family issues. This seemly brief moment of poor communication could spiral out of control and in an instant end up on Facebook and be blasted all over school via the many methods of technology and poof! A Mob Mentality situation has erupted in mess of an angry mean girl storm.

Girls are saying that it starts in middle school and that it continues. This bad behavior is thriving currently within their circle of friends in present day while in high school.

According to the American Psychological Association they say that:

Girls between the ages of 8 and 11 years, tend to be more androgynous. That girls in this age bracket view themselves as strong and confident and are not afraid to say what they think. However, as they cross over into adolescence, girls begin to experience pressure toward more rigid conceptions of gender roles; they become more concerned with how women are "supposed to behave'' and with their physical and sexual attractiveness.

Back to the point of competition, as girls are maturing and jockeying for their place socially, they start to figure out that the girls with the most attention from boys are sometimes the most popular. Being popular feels good to most girls in this age range, hence the beginning of some terrible competition to be perceived as the best looking, the sexiest, one with the most boys looking after her etc.

By putting her friends down she can become the obvious choice with boys and with other friends.

This spawns a bevy of bad behavior that is so out of control. When I was younger we didn’t have social media or the technology that teens have today. The viral nature of these attacks can create a mob mentality that can crush a teen over night.

“It started happening in grade school and still continues to this day. I've been called fat, ugly, fake, a slut, thunder thighs, and all the other names in the book. But in 6th grade it was really bad. To the point were I wouldn't come to school. In person over the phone and over the internet.“

So, Why is it So Out of Hand?

Miss Representation is putting a spot light on this subject by exploring women’s roles in media. The documentary points out that girls are learning to see themselves as objects. American Psychological Association calls this ‘self-objectification’ and refers to this issue as a national epidemic stating, “Women and girls who self-objectify are more likely to be depressed, have lower confidence, lower ambition and lower GPA’s.”

Jennifer Pozner, author of Reality Bites Back comments in the documentary that she sees the backlash exacerbated with the birth and ravenous consumption of reality TV. Pozner talks about women’s behavior in reality TV as mean spirited, backbiting, manipulative, gold digging and passive. She points out that this isn’t at all women’s nature. But yet our teens are consuming this crap at unfathomable rates.

Miss Representations says that teens are consuming media to the tune of about ten hours a day! And in this ten hours you can bet that it is jam packed with over sexualized images, bitch slapping and back biting mean girl cornucopia of examples how not to behave that our girls are reaching to emulating.

This to me is the missing link. I feel like screaming this from a mountaintop. If you wonder why our girls are more aggressive and more mean towards one another just turn on MTV and watch and episode of 16 and Pregnant or any other reality flavor of the month.

Have you connected the dots yet? Why is this so important? This is a complete miss representation of what is really out in the real world. Some women still behave this way, but we don’t tolerate it nor do we retaliate the way it is depicted in reality TV.

Teens are especially susceptible to emulating this bad behavior they see in media. We can see it in the way they are now taking this new explosive way of communicating and bringing it to their own interactions.

What Can We Do?

Teens:

It sounds contrived, but don’t be the mean girl. It’s as easy as extending kindness to the people around you - consistently. Bonnie Burton, author of Girls Against Girls says to start with family - practice being nicer to your sister(s), mom and other females in your family. It’s a safe place to start growing your tools to be a kinder nicer person. Some other ways to help stop the behaviors:

Don’t Participate in Revenge
Be Familiar With Your Excuses
- “She deserved it”
- “Everyone else is doing it”
- “She should know how it feels.”
Older Girls Need to Mentor the Younger Girls
- Help show what it means to be a friend
Really Know What You Want From Your Friendships
- Talk about it with your true friends
- Agree to be there for each other
Apply The “Golden Rule”
- Treat others the way you would like to be treated
- Kindness goes a long way

It can be scary to be bold and courageous in changing your behavior knowing that not everyone will be accepting of it or you. The reality of the matter is you can do better for yourself. Rachel Simmons Author of Odd Girl Out and Co-Founder of Girls Leadership Institute says, “There is always a better friend out there for you!”

Finding like-minded friends to spend time with who don’t want to compete with you sounds impossible, but it’s not. High school is a very small and viral place. When you step outside into the world you can see that there are other people just like you who feel and think just like you. We suggest:

Trying different clubs outside of school and even outside of your area
Physical activity or class
- Dance
- Yoga
- Softball team
- Soccer
- Volleyball
New Job
Hang out at places where kids are doing things that you like – and say “Hi”
Organize your own group and invite others like-minded teens to participate
- Cycling club
- Hiking
- Running/Walking
- Picnicking
- Photography – with film :)

You get the idea. It’s endless. Be creative. Be emboldened. This is your life. You get to live it for you – not for the mean people who hurt you. Walk away. Surround yourself with people who deserve your love and friendship.

Moving On

So how do you move on? Some of these scars are deep and they hurt. I have talked with women my age and including myself who remember very vividly instances and stories of mean girls with pain. It’s important to know that you are not alone. Knowing this however doesn’t relieve the sting. If you find that the pain is too much to burden, talk with your mom, parent or another trusted adult. Getting help to work through your feelings is healthy and helpful.

I have had to seek the assistance of a counselor since I was 16 years old. I am so very glad that I did. I learned tools to help deal with deep felt pain that could have killed me. Do bear this pain alone if you are suffering.

Journaling is always a good fast way to get your thoughts out if you are in need of talking when no one is around. You don’t even need a fancy book. Some of my journals are school notebooks. Any paper will do. Keep your papers private so that you will feel free to write. It can help get your thought organized.

Life After High School

Girls who are in college wrote in to let us know that it gets a lot better in college. Not completely gone, but it gets a lot better. You will have many more people around you and many more opportunities to find people with similar interests to yours. You will have more freedom and space to come and go as you choose. You will not be relegated to be in the same space with the same people all the time.

I think it safe to say that its time to put an end to tolerating and perpetuating mean girl behavior. We all have the ability to be the mean girl – conversely we all have the ability to walk away and not be the mean girl and/or not be damaged by the mean girl(s). We deserve better. There are many other like-minded nice girls who will gladly fill the gaps left by the mean girls.

For more from our teens on this subject listen to our radio broadcast – Paper Hope Street Team on Voice America Kids. The link is below. The show was very personal and emotional. The teens will share their own stories and offer suggestions teen to teen.

Reference:

Paper Hope Street Team Voice America Kids Radio Broadcast Monday January 16, 2012 (iTunes podcast): Mean Girls with Rio Wade, Yvonne Allen, Tamra Wade and Special Guest Joria Roman

http://bit.ly/vjY6FS

Girls Against Girls by Bonnie Burton

http://amzn.to/yjI1T5

Odd Girl Out by Rachel Simmons

http://amzn.to/ytCteh

Reality Bites Back

The troubling Truth about Guilty Pleasure TV by Jennifer Pozner

The Daily Beast: What Makes Girls Tick by Jessica Bennett

http://bit.ly/yqm9Xp

Huffington Post Parents: Facebook, Nice Girls and Self-Worth by Soraya Chemaly

http://huff.to/ztdgmM

Rachel Simmons Author of Odd Girl Out and Co-Founder of Girls Leadership Institute at TEDxWomen